Why do people stay in abusive relationships?
If you’ve never been in an abusive relationship then you may wonder why a person wouldn’t just leave. We often put ourselves in the place of the victims and imagine ourselves leaving at the first signs of abuse. Leaving can be more complicated than it seems. There are many reasons why both men and women stay in abusive relationships.
It can be very difficult to leave an abusive partner. There will be coercive and controlling behaviour, there may be threats of violence against the person, their children or their families. There could be practical difficulties relating to children, health, finances and housing. Many people who’ve been abused become very fearful, with low self-esteem and confidence. It takes a lot of courage and strength, as well as help and support, to be able to even consider leaving.
Common reasons for staying
- Belief that the abusive partner will change because they show remorse and promise to stop
- Fear the abuser will kill the victim or take the children away if abuse is reported to anyone
- Lack of emotional support
- Guilt over the failure of the relationship
- Attachment to the partner
- Fear of being alone
- Feeling responsible for the abuse
- Feeling helpless, hopeless and trapped
- Belief that they are the only one who can help the abuser with their problems
- Financial dependence
- Fear of physical harm to self or children
- Fear of emotional harm to the children caused by the loss of a parent, even if that parent is abusive
- Fear of losing custody of the children
- Social isolation and lack of support because the abuser is their only support system
- Lack of information regarding support services
- Fear that no one will be able to help them
- Feel they have nowhere to go
- Cultural or religious constraints
If you know someone who is considering leaving an abusive relationship, then they need to plan this carefully. We would advise seeking support from specialist domestic abuse services.